Many friends and supporters who know me now would never believe that I struggled with my weight since I was a kid. There were many red flags that throughout my life that led to my emotional eating, child obesity, depression and drug abuse. My story is one that my relatives and my Mother's friends from the past are not going to like, but it is my true story and it made me into the woman I am today!
From a young age, I remember asking my Mother why I didn't have a father. She told me that one day she decided to have a child and I was a "Test Tube Baby". Hearing that reference of my existence made me feel like an alien on a strange planet. Since the beginning of school I was bullied for being and looking different. My color wasn't white enough, hair wasn't straight enough, and my frame was large.
In addition to not being accepted by my classmates, my Mother had a relationship with a man that ended up molesting me from 5 to 8 years old and would beat her, cheat on her with both sexes and had my brother and sister during that toxic period. I remember him telling me that if my Mother would ever find out about us, she would pick him over me. That pain my step father would inflict on my Mother was transferred to me by her as well. She would beat me so bad sometimes I would wonder if she was trying to kill me because I would end up pissing in my pants. My Mother would hit me with anything she could. Belt buckles, tree branches, frying pans, shoes, fists or would choke me to the point that my legs were dangling in the air. The day that she caught my stepfather in bed together she kicked me out at 8 years old blaming me for coming onto a 30 year old man. She sent me to my Grandmother's house were I remained off and on until I ran away at 16 years old.
The worst part of this was that NO ONE IN MY FAMILY OR MY MOTHER'S FRIENDS SAID NOTHING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. They all knew how my Mother and Step-Father treated me and none of them took the time to save me from the Hell I would have to grow up in. I felt dirty bad girl and that is were my binge eating started. By the time I got to 12 years old, I was wearing a size 16 and was as heavy as my Mother.
At 13, I had finally met the person who was my "Dad". I had now idea who he was and he declared we would get to know each other as Father and Daughter. I was so excited that finally I was a normal girl and I had a Dad like all the others. However, that did not happen at all. As soon as I left with him to Corpus, he told me how embarrassing I was to his family. He started to pick at my clothing, was displeased with my weight, didn't want me to come outside of his house, he even didn't want me talk to his girlfriend (at the time) and her daughter. I recall when I finally had enough of him and told him, "Who was he to tell me anything when he had never been there for me before". I was rewarded by him by being dropped off at a Corpus Christi bus stop and sent home. I had to call my mother from Alice, Tx. to let her know I was on my way home. After this horrible experience meeting my "Dad" I felt more than ever that I was disgusting and puked all my food out as soon as I was full. I had no I idea that I had developed bulimia and lost a lot of weight after 8th grade. I felt better about myself that I was finally able to control something in my life when everything else was out of control.
At 15 years of age, I began to abuse cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. Being high helped me deal with the problems I had at home. It was like a band-aid I could put on to stop the crying. My Mother's lifestyle was not the greatest. I commonly saw drug abuse by her and her friends. I have seen things that no young child should see which included one of my Mother's boyfriend's OD in our bathroom with a needle sticking out of his arm.
At the age of 16, my Mother had a new boyfriend. This man was the carbon copy of my step father. He would make moves on me and when I told him to leave me alone. He would then turn it around and tell my Mother that I would come on to him. My Mother and I ended up in a big fight were she ripped out a couple of my braids from my head, attack me with a iron frying pan and threw me through a wall. I had up to at that point and ran away and started to live on the streets. There was no way I could make money so I would steal, deal drugs and break into houses until I was able to get a job.
By the time I was 19 years old, I was a single mom and I didn't graduate high school. His father did exactly what my "Dad" did to my Mother. He left me after dating me for almost 2 years and denied my son. I had no other way to pay my bills, my Grandmother sold my only car, and there was the option to get on welfare. I didn't want to have the same problems and traps my Mother had with the system so I started stripping full time to take care of my son. Stripping would lead to many other problems in my life. It paid well, I was able to buy another car and a live in my own apartment. However, it also involved more alcohol, drugs and eventually a 2 year crack addiction. I was able to take care of my son financially, but I wasn't able to take care of myself emotionally. I was suffering from extreme depression and the crack would take all those sad feelings away.
To be continued.......
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